Narcissism 101

GIVING THANKS

Some people wake up to their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/nightly trick. This is what I wake up to every morning and it makes me smile. Miss Madeline Ashton is who I'm thankful for...

Another pic after the jump.

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #10

"What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course." - Marilyn Monroe

She packed a punch, that Norma Jean.

GOOD NEWS

This is today's horoscope:

Right now, Moonchild, you are extremely lucky in love and with money. Make the most of this period by taking advantage of all opportunities and fueling this wave of good fortune with healing, jubilant energy that can help to carry you forward even faster. The force is with you in most areas and will be throughout the fall season. You will find yourself in wonder at how well things are going for you after a long dry spell of disappointment, anxiety, and stress. Soak it all up, because you certainly deserve it.

Um...okay!

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #9

"I keep thinking how strange it is … I kill a man and most people understand and forgive me. However, I love a man, and to so many people this is an unforgivable sin; this makes me an evil person. So, even though I never went to jail, I have been in prison almost all my life." - Emile Griffin, gay welterweight boxing champ

If you want to see an amazing video abot this man, watch it after the jump.

NO MAS

It's fear that keeps us from moving forward, whether it be in our careers or our love lives, and I am tired of it. Be a man and get what you want by speaking up and acting upon it.

Patience is what we must learn so that when we do go after what we want, we don't expect it to happen right away. As long as the seed has been planted and isn't sitting in our pocket, we're golden.

And regrets are what result in letting fear win so I vow to have none of them. Who wants to live that way...?

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #8

Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. - C. Chanel

Runner Up: Dress shabbily, they notice the dress. Dress impeccably, they notice the woman. (also Coco Chanel via Katharine Parker)

EDIT

I just removed my most current blog post (which is something I never do) for two reasons:

1. I refuse to put any feeling-sorry-for-myself rants into the universe. For the record, I wrote it when I got home from work Sat. night and was really wanting to put out how I was feeling, however I don't need it staring back at me (or others) for a long time to come.

2. I wrote about someone who might get the wrong impression based on how he reads it. It's better not have him feel like he's done something wrong, when in fact he has not; it's just the way life goes sometimes. Nor do I want him to be embarrassed...again, not something I want put into the universe.

That's all.

IMMA CREEP

I was recently asked if there was any song that brings up emotions for me and, like the guarded and sometimes scared person I am, I conveniently couldn't think of any.

When going through songs tonight for inspiration I came across this one - Creep by Radiohead. I've always liked this song and tonight, unexpetedly, it made me cry. Why? Because I have, at times, felt this way and cannot be afraid to admit it. I know I'm not alone in this because seriously...honestly...who hasn't?

AUG. 18, 2010

Married? Married...jeez.

DAY 207

Been in L.A. 207 days and have had many more highs than lows. VERY happy about that as I seemed to have made the right choice as to the direction I wanted my life to go in. I've met some great friends, re-started past friendships and have gotten to spend quality time with my family. Haven't found love yet but that's nothing one can actively control so I leave that to the Gods. They know best and will make that magic happen when it's time.

So what have I learned during my time here? Well, that I am still in need of pushing toward my goal of becoming a working actor, that I make amazing things happen when I put my mind to doing them, and that being in love with myself will only draw the right people towards me. It's hard to watch those who don't love themselves pull away (whether in friendship or romance) but I know in my heart that they'll get there one day and here I'll be. It was done for me and now it's my turn give back.

Life is good, people. Life. Is. Good.

Today's quote: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - M.Twain

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #7

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

UPDATE: Upon re-reading this, I think I read it incorrectly. Yes, we all need friends who will just "be there" for us, but those who mean the most to me are those who give advice, solutions, and cures; the ones who can slap you across the face and say "Snap Out Of It!" are the ones I keep closest.

TIMELINE

I started blogging on March 11, 2003 at my first blog on Blogspot, then moved over to Typepad for this blog on Nov. 4, 2003. All the posts from the first blog were moved over on the first day of this one. Both were/are called Narcissism 101.

My question is this: Do I celebrate my 7th anniversary of this blog in November or do I celebrate the 8th anniversary of Narcissism 101 as my blog in March?

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #6

You were better to the ones that were worse for you. And worse to the one that was better for you.

QUOTE FOR THE WEEKEND

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." - Agatha Christie

QUOTE FOR SUNDAY (PRIDE EDITION)

Worrying is just praying for want you don't want. - Jackie Beat

DAWN OF THE DEAD

So last night/this morning I had a dream that I was living in an apartment complex next to a good friend of mine. I left his apartment after having an upsetting talk with him and the streets were crawling w/ zombies. I went back to my friend's house to get him out of danger's way and he was lying in bed - I thought he was sleeping. When I got close to wake him, he was actually awake and his skin looked a bit gray. I told him that there were zombies everywhere and that we needed to get outta where we were. He then leaned in to kiss me and it was then that I noticed his mouth was black and his eyes were really sunken (a zombie, obvs). I pulled away and he tried his hardest to pull me back in. He then told me it was better that we were both dead and to let him bite me. I refused and started to run away, but when I got outside I saw that the apartment was surrounded by zombies. I then went back inside where he was about to eat someone. He turned to me and asked if I was ready to join him. Then I woke up - very upset.

Upset because part of me knew that there was no other option, while part of me wondered whether or not I wanted to be dead w/ him forever. Did I??

I looked up zombie dreams online and found out what it said if I dreamt about a zombie attack: To dream that you are attacked by zombies, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. And if my friend was a zombie, that he was: Someone who is not "alive" emotionally—not in touch with their humanity,compassion, feelings, etc. Finally: Dreaming that a zombie is after you can mean you feel or fear that someone is threatening you in real life—emotionally, mentally, or physically.

Yikes. That dream was wrought w/ shizz.

THAT'S MY MAMA

Last night on Glee, the show ended with one of the songs that has a bit of a personal emotional tie - "Dream a Little Dream." It made me smile and I wanted to share my favorite version by Mama Cass.

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #5

Love this. It's so very true about all that I believe in.

I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. - A. Burroughs

THE FUTURE

Took this picture this weekend while hiking and thought it was a glimpse into Los Angeles' future (as in soon it'll be fenced in). Let's hope I'm wrong.

TONIGHT'S INSPIRATION

This little girl has seen me at my best and at my worst yet still manages to love me unconditionally. I am SO happy that she's here in California with me now. She brings me joy that keeps me going.

DEFINITION

BELABOR

Pronunciation: \bi-ˈlā-bər, bē-\

Function: transitive verb

Date: 1596

1 a : to attack verbally b : to beat soundly
2 : to explain or insist on excessively <belabor the obvious>"Aaron like to belabor a point until people want to gouge their own eyes out."

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #4

Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.

Exactly.

HELEN EMEFFEN KELLER

Came across this today and found it quite fitting:

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Pretty amazing coming from a woman who was deaf and blind, dontcha think?

GLITCH

Ya know, for the past 3 episodes, Glee has seemed to have lost it's edge. Is it just me or do all these episodes seem like AfterSchool Specials? If I see Rachel snorting some angel dust w/ Jesse St. James and she jumps out the second story window like Helen Hunt I'm gonna lose it.

C'mon, Ryan Murphy, get back to the quick banter and lose the "you're-not-fat-you're-beautiful-just-like-that-Christina-Aguilera-song" bullshizz.

GET THIS WEEK STARTED

Opposing quotes, each perfect for this week:

When in doubt, keep quiet. -Carroll

How much of human life is lost in waiting. - Emerson

ROUND 3

How you like me now, huh?!?

There's more where that came from, bitch.

(Yes - I'm kickin' ass right now)

ROUND 2

It can be reported that I am being beat down from every side today, but I. Will. NOT. Give. Up.

The day is not over yet. I really need something good to happen.

ROUND 1

How quickly the optimist can get knocked down with one harsh blow. And today was going along kinda well...

Defeated by today. Back in the ring tomorrow AM. Going to bed now to have energy for tomorrow - I'm gonna need it.

INTO THE WOODS

So yesterday I got a bit lost in the woods. I've started taking paths that were leading nowhere instead of sticking to the main path that I was on. I was in a dark and scary place and was worried how I'd get back.

Luckily, I had a guide who helped me get back to where I was going and it can now be reported that I am sticking to said path and won't go astray.

This is the first straight thing I've done in a while. (**bah-doom-chee!**)

"Though it's fearful, though it's deep, though it's dark and though you may lose your path, though you may encounter wolves, you mustn't swerve, you musn't ponder, you have to act..."

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #3

This is what gets me off my ass and makes it happen:

We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort.

ANOTHER YEAR OLDER

This year marks a big birthday for me. I kinda can't bring myself to saying which one, but I can say where I'd like to spend it:

THIS WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE #2

The most memorable people in your life will be the people who loved you when you weren't very lovable.

So true.

FEARLESS

You may be scared shitless, but you've gotta just jump in. Hell, if I can do it...

RAINY DAY, THIS MONDAY

This morning I woke to lots of fog and it looks like it's gonna be a gloomy day, so I went searching for motivation and found it in a simple quote that was just the swift kick I needed:

You cannot run away from yourself; you're always right behind you.

THE WEEK'S ENDING QUOTE

Taken from my fave quote site.

GREAT MINDS

Here are some amazing quotes I found on a cool site called The Quote Book:

"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life." -John Lennon

"Regret for the things we do can be tampered with time. It is regret for the things we do not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney J. Harris

"True love is a state of timelessness, loss of ego, surrender, defenselessness and vulnerability."-Deepak Choprah

"There’s some boy out there who’s going to like you for everything you are, including those parts of you that even you don’t like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most." - Mr. Shuster

THE WAITING ROOM

Am I surprised? Not at all.

Am I disappointed? A bit.

Am I hopeful? Definitely.

That's all I've got to say about it.

"I am prepared to go anywhere, provided it be forward." - David Livingstone

GRASSHOPPER

The funny thing about patience is that it takes a LONG TIME to learn.

Please tell me that's not the point.

U.N.I.T.Y.

I just read over on Towleroad that Barney Frank was called a faggot by some crazy teabagger. I, too, am a faggot and will gladly kick your sorry ass for saying that. Unless you're also a faggot. We OWN that word.

And getting your ass kicked by a faggot will, I'm very sure, be humiliating for you... How to explain to your other ignorant friends?

"Who you calling a bitch??"

TODAY'S THOUGHTS

In no particular order:

1. Getting new tattoo today. Do I dare get two?

2. Fell asleep at 11pm last night and woke up at 6am. Will the same thing happen tonight or should I nap?

2. My daily fortune cookie tells me that "Love Conquers All." I believe that to be true - that's just the optimist in me.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

SELF HATRED IS THE OLD BLACK

I wrote a post last night, posted it, and removed it this morning as putting out the pity-party crap is not helping me move forward with my life. I need to only put things out into the universe that are positive and will help me progress rather than to just stay in the same place with a sad look on my face. Where, exactly, is it getting me?

I'd rather run in the race with the happy, smiling people than sit on the sidelines w/ my elbow on my knee and fist under my chin.

Game on!

HAPPY VALETIME'S DAY!!!

JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE

These are the 5 words that I tell myself over and over and over...and over again. And yet I throw out a joke that is misconstrued as something it's not, or I keep talking something to death, or, and this is my favorite, my insecurity takes over and I start to over-think things and vocalize them.

I'm kinda down on myself right now because of the frustration of wanting to be able to do just that: to leave well enough alone. It seems as though each time things get to a good place I have to open this big trap of mine and push things back to where they were before. It's like I'm stuck pushing that dumb-ass button every 108 minutes when I should just get up and let what happens happen...

I MUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

THE AFFAIR

Alright,well...NYC...um...I apologize for having to tell you this, but there's someone else. I've decided that my ex and I are going to try things out again and see if this time we can't bring back the magic that we had long ago. I don't know if this is the wisest decision I've ever made, but I'd hate myself if I didn't try. I would like to remain friends, however, and hope that one day you can forgive me. And remember: It's not you, it's me.

DAY ZERO

Today I leave my home of 17 years and start fresh back in Los Angeles (my past home...). I am excited and scared, happy and sad, fresh-faced and worn-out. I leave behind my family and closest friends (Scott, Aaron, Erik, Richie, et al) and go toward my family and West Coast BFFs (Bob, Paul, Ernie, Mark, & Joe).

If you don't know why I'm doing this, it's simple: I am bound and determined to change my life for the better and to work doing what I do best - perform. I expect acting work, voice-over work, DJ'ing work sprinkled with a heapin' helpin' of rejection - yu can't have the yang without the yin.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and I've made a video of me, by me taken around NYC (and Jersey and CT) every day for the past 84 days. It was finished yesterday, but I've only had time to post today. You can either click here or watch after the jump. Enjoy.

SLICE UP THE FRUITCAKE

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like a super-butch boyfriend who will offset the nellie-ness that is me who posts clips like this to usher in the holidays:

Doesn't get much gayer than that, does it?

THE GREAT WHITE HOPE

Just when you're feeling lonely and watching movies about happy couples on a lazy Sunday (what's my problem today...?), a gorgeous white dog jumps onto your couch, curls up next to you, and puts her head on your lap. It's then that you realize you're not alone - you have something in your life that loves you unconditionally. How amazing is that??

I'm really gonna miss my dog and am making it one of my goals to get her out to California as soon as I get a place that's dog-friendly. I hope it's sooner rather than later - the thought of not having her around makes me sad. It's a vicious circle, isn't it?

MY HERO

My friend Tyler Helms did an amazing thing today and disclosed his HIV status on Facebook as well as on advocate.com. I had no idea and am INCREDIBLY proud of him for doing something I find very brave and honorable.

Please honor him by sharing his story with others because, in Tyler's words, "the conversation you have today, tomorrow or in years to come just might change someone else's future. That's a power no responsible person should ignore."

I love, adore, and respect you Tyler Helms. You're my hero.

JUST ONE OF DEM DAYS

Today sucks. Having a really bad day - nothing that I need to work out is working out. Just want to get in bed and forget today ever happened and start over tomorrow.

Only 37 days until I be where I need to pursue what I have been putting off for so long...

UPDATE:  Went to see Stephanie J. Block's Christmas show at Birdland and was able to turn off my brain and enjoy actual JOY for a good hour. This is why I love having good friends who can always turn your frowns upside down. :-)