Narcissism 101

SNICKERS

HPPY NEW YEAR!!! On the only 1-1-11 I'll ever see in my lifetime here is Snooki's Ball Drop in Seaside N.J.  Enjoy...?

 

MTV Shows

Even better was the opening of the NYE Bash. Go Get Em Tiger!

CRAZY HANDS

"One little thing that happens to my hands and it's complete Armageddon."

 

See the original video that is being parodied after the jump.

THAT'S A MAN

This show was beyond genius. And filled w/ tranny realness, apparently.

 

YOU GETTA CRUISE, YOU GETTA CRUISE, YOU GETTA CRUISE

I realize Oprah and her promotional partners are giving away a bunch of cool shizz, but was a woman really sobbing over getting a set of 18 scented candles? Really...???

She must love her some wax.

NEKKID

I. Love. Bodyguard.

 

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

DAILY CRUSH

This is today's crush. It's all about those eyes...

IT'S RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION...

...that I love DREW DROEGE. Actually it's not that recent - he was half of Fagney and Gaycy.

This video gives me the frights.

 

FEELIN' TOO GOOD TODAY

There are so many right things in this clip, it's hard to criticize all the cheesy wrongs. But Rona Barrett, Lee Majors and Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman in an Olivia Newton-John special...? I mean, come on.

ABDICATION DAY

I think I need a good merger this week...

DOES NOT SHOP AT DILLARD'S

I loves me some Pam and was so happy to see her life spared this past Sunday. Here is some fashion advice for young female vampires that I found very...um...specific.

Jessica's Blog: Special Guest Appearance!

The point is this: no silver- stick to gold. White gold for functions, pearls if you're the church or charity kind, diamonds when you wanna get some, Chanel jewelry if you've got the funds. Chunky for work, you know oversized rings and statement pieces. Earrings? Avoid big hoops - they're tacky. And If I ever see a sla...p bracelet, I will personally tell you what I think of you.

JOHN...MARCIA...

Mad Men piqued my interest this week and I found the source of Peggy and Joey's inside joke. Here is the commercial they were either mocking or thinking up:

I'M TOTALLY CALM NOW

"Hey sweetie, I'm right here...la,la,la"

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

You make strategic offensive and defensive moves...then try to bust your opponents balls.

CLASSY LADY

I love that Sue Sylvester's idea of dressing up is to throw a set of pearls around her neck. Simplicity never looked so good.

THE BOOK OF LEMON

Sitting at home not feeling well and watching an episode of 30 Rock that I missed and came across these thoughtful words from Liz Lemon to a potential suitor:

"I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being into cars is really lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks 'as needed'...like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damned Disney Prince. I want someone who genuinely likes me, even when I'm old. And that's what I want."

All while getting hit w/ dodge balls.

UPDATE: Just watched the season finale and Liz Lemon gets a potential suitor in the form of an airline pilot (Matt Damon). But this is Liz Lemon we're talking about. And Matt Damon, so...

GLITCH

Ya know, for the past 3 episodes, Glee has seemed to have lost it's edge. Is it just me or do all these episodes seem like AfterSchool Specials? If I see Rachel snorting some angel dust w/ Jesse St. James and she jumps out the second story window like Helen Hunt I'm gonna lose it.

C'mon, Ryan Murphy, get back to the quick banter and lose the "you're-not-fat-you're-beautiful-just-like-that-Christina-Aguilera-song" bullshizz.

MORTIFYING

One of the funniest shows on TV, hands down, is Modern Family. The entire cast is genius and I can't pick a favorite (which, by the way is a favorite thing of mine to do).

And one of the most awkward yet hee-sterical lines last night was from Phil talking to Cam: "One day I'm gonna be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat."

The gays'll get it. After the jump, see more awkwardness.

GOODNIGHT, DIXIE

No one gave a monologue like you, Miss Carter. Rest in peace.

IT'S OFFICIAL

I have my new man-crush for 2010. His name is Aiden Turner. He was on All My Children for 7 years and is currently on (quote/unquote) Dancing with the (quote/unquote) Stars*.  Isn't he handsome??? PLUS he's from Australia and has a dreamy accent.

And not to worry, Lee Pace, you've still got a spot in my heart.

* The reason for the "quote/unquotes" is because they're not really dancing and they're far from stars. I'm just sayin'....

After the jump, watch a clip of him being interviewed and see what I'm talkin' bout.

INFOMERCIALS-R-US

I still wouldn't buy this stinky crap, but this infomercial is pretty funny (even though they were "inspired" by SNL's Shweddy Balls skit.)

JENNA-ISMS

Here is another in a long line of genius Jenna-isms from the genius that is 30 Rock:

"If wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed gain."

LEMON

Does Liz Lemon also see 11:11??? How weird that I caught this on 30 Rock...

IN HONOR OF THE OLYMPICS...

...I give you Pamela Bell.

IF YOU DON'T PICK UP PHONE...THEN YOU GAY

I love, love, LOVE FourFour's video compilations and this one is pretty genius. It's a collection of all the gayest clips from one of the worst shows EVER Small Wonder. As if the show's boy-star Jamie wasn't gay enough...

SO TONIGHT...

Tonight's the night. I am making my L.A. debut at The Abbey and am VERY excited. If you're in So. Cal, please stop by and see me - I'll be the one in the booth.

SUMMER'S EVE LADY STARS OF DARTS CHAMPIONSHIP

"When your situation down south makes him breathe through his mouth. Summer's Eve. Dooootch." Loves it.

...BUT WHERE'S ODIE

I heart Snooki.

GO BACK TO YOUR COP

I totally want to get in an argument with Ronnie while he's in a towel...

HOWYADOIN' BABY JESUS?

I loves me some Jersey Shore and I loves me some Snooki. And Pauly D. And, of course, Mike "The Sitation", so what's not to love with this Jimmy Kimmel skit? Only thing missing is my boy with the best eyebrows this side of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge Vinny. (Thanks Joey G. for the heads-up.)

GLEE CLUB TAKES SECTIONALS

Not only did they take sectionals, they were nominated for 4 Golden Globe Awards this morning including Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical. Congrats to Matt Morrison (go OCHSA!), Lea Michelle and Jane Lynch on their nominations.

SPEAK UP

It's all about Rihanna... "Oh no. Oh no-o-o-oh...he pissed himse-e-elf."

P.S. Kudos to Seth Meyers for stepping it up last night - the episode was pretty funny. And Blake Lively kind rocked it.

WEEKDAY UPDATE

This afternoon on the subway I was sitting across from Seth Meyers and had to force myself to keep quiet. What I really want to do was yell at him for being such a horrible head writer for SNL. What exactly does he do as head writer - approve skits that aren't funny while working up his jokes for Weekend Update? Methinks yes.

Lucky for him I shut my trap and let him read his precious Kindle. He was probably reading one of the Twilight Series books - he looks the type.

Or maybe  - just maybe - he was reading something funny that might inspire him. One can only hope...

SHE-LA-LA-LAAAAAAHHHH

Meredith Baxter like ladies. Mrs. Keaton enjoys the lady-business. Good for you.

P.S. I liked the original opening better (with al those hippie family pix...)

SNL PLAY-BY-MUHFUKEN-PLAY

Since it's a January Jones episode and I happen to be home alone, I've decided to live blog the episode. Don't screw up last weeks great Taylor Swift episode, SNL...

Opening Political Skit - Joe Biden humor. Yawn.

January's Monologue - What was with the short song? That was needed...?

Today Show - DO NOT even TRY to replace Michaela Watkins with new girl Jenny. Retire the Today Show skit stat.

Rear Window - Fart jokes. Fart. Jokes. Really...? And this is the first time I've missed Horatio Sanz...

Awkward Reporter - First off, one of my fave Kristen Wiig characters. Seriously.  It's totally funny and gets more awkward by the second. Kinda wish Parker Posey was doing the skit with her...

Lady's Guide to Throwing A Party - Brilliant! "Homosexuals should be addressed as Misses or Miss depending on their age." Reminds me of Mr. Bungles from The Pee-Wee Herman Show.

BEP Performance #1 - Where's Oprah and the dancing crowd of thousands? And, oooh - that confetti's gon' be a bitch to clean up...

Weekend Update - Seth is barreling through these jokes like they've got a wrap party at Dylan Prime. "Kim Kardashian" was kinda funny... Lastly, please go away Jon Bovi!!!

Jekyll and Hyde - Funnnny. Great concept. Loves me some Julius. I'd say the skit was too short, but maybe the other writers will take note.

Digital Short - LOL. WTF??? Still laughing...

BEP Performance #2 - Oh, Fergie. Who dressed you? Whoever did is gettin' a chuckle offstage, I assure you.

Picnic Skit - Already going nowhere fast. Side note: isn't it crappy being on a date where you have to explain pop references..? Pay the check and walk away.

BEP Performance #3 - SNL has officially run out of "funny" and has given the Peas a 3rd performance. Those dance moves of Fergie, I believe, were used on Kids Incorporated, yes/no?

Disappointed. Maybe they should have let Joan/Christina Hendricks host...

ALWAYS JAN, NEVER MARCIA

T.R.A.A.A.P.D.

Driving while having a sarcastic conversation with the car in front of you? Never...

DAILY ZEN #18

Actor Emergency!

YOU'RE ONLY AS UGLY AS WE THINK YOU ARE

I loves me some Jerri Blank...

Strangers With Candy
Noblet's Lesson
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

IMA BE ME

If you have not yet done so, make sure you watch Wanda Syke's Ima Be Me on HBO. She's frikkin' genius and has me LOL - literally. She's seriously one of the funniest comics out there and I can't wait to see her new talk show.

"White people are watching you."

MY BABY'S ALL GROWED UP

Pee-Wee Herman was on Jay Leno last night and while it's good to see him again, he just isn't that little boy he once was. Don't get me wrong - he's still there, just in need of a little fine tuning.

This does NOT mean I'm not still dying to see him in November... He said that they moved theaters due to popularity, so methinks there's still tickets available.

VMAS 2009

Here is a play-by-play of the red carpet arrivals at the 2009 VMAs as well as the show itself...

Lady Gaga looks like the lead actress in the upcoming Phantom of the Moulin Rouge. And I hate to say this but showing up with Kermit is kinda Fonzie-Idling-On-The-Edge-of-the-Shark-Tank.

Taylor Swift arrives in a white carriage pulled by 2 white horses. It's very Newark, NJ Sweet 16 entrance. Fortunately her dress is gorgeous...for the Oscars.

Alicia Keys looks beautiful - classy and giving 60s realness. Closeted lesbians have rockin' stylists...

"The Tweets are going insane". Is this for real..???

Why is the video for Fame filmed on that cheesy fake NYC set in Hollywood? I'm waiting for Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George walk by.

Oh, Jermaine Jackson...how do you get that wax mannequin look down so perfectly? Do you have your hair painted on daily or is that a shellacked bathing cap?

What is JLo doing there? Oh, she's presenting and hocking her new album. The look is a bit much, or maybe I just don't get it.

Beyonce is THE lady in red tonight. Simple, elegant, pretty. Whatves - she's just geeee-or-gheee-ussss.

Look at how purdy Blair Waldorf looks in silver... J'adorable.

HERE COMES THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!

MADONNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a lady all dressed in black, and what not. And Miss Lady is serious - respect that, people. Kudos to her.

Pete Wentz is sad.

So's Diddy.

And Pink.

Taylor Swift is not.

Well done, Madonna. The Queen has spoken.

Opening number is already turning me out... And Janet has even come on. Yet.

And mama's BAAAAAAAAAACK!!! (In a bad pleather outfit, howevs...)

Best performance with a dead relative since Natalie Cole. You can quote me on that.

And now it's being ruined by Katy Perry attempting to sing. Hopefully this us all she'll do tonight...

Russell Brand is in Thom Brown. With a cheap hat.

No, Megan Fox, Eminem is not performing.

Russell is getting political and giving shout outs to Barack and taking about hermaphrodites (see: Lady Gaga). He wants to hang his hat on her erect penis.

AGGGGGGGGHHHH - Kanye's lady is spooky tonight. That necklace makes her head look like it's on a platter.

She Wolf and Wolf Man from Twilight. How very. (BTW Shakira - Pink's wearing it better. Sorry.)

I'm sorry - did he just say Taylor Swift wins the Best Female video???

KANYE????????? YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

MAD MILES

Guess who showed up on Mad Men this past week selling *gasp* marijuana? My new fave actor/singer Miles Fisher. Someone is out-Cruising Tom Cruise (and no, that's not a pun).

A-HOLE'S ANONYMOUS

This is what Spencer Pratt told Ben Silverman (Chairman NBC/Universal) on the phone as to why he and Heidi Montag-Pratt were quitting I'm A Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here:

"I’m too rich and I’m too famous to be sitting with these people and cleaning up their shit in the jungle, my man. And this cast is de-valuing our fame right now. I sitting next to VH1 comedians that I have never seen before, I’m sitting next to wrestlers, I’m like – this is just not the show… I thought it would be all celebrities. Stars of shows get treated like stars, dude. I’m, fuckin’, supposed to be cleaning up John Salley’s shit in a bucket, dude. You’ve never cleaned up your own shit let alone taken John Salley’s shit to the creek, have you? Don’t throw me in the jungle and treat me like a little guinea pig torture act. Enjoy your dinner."

He and Heidi's "fame" was de-valued?? Who'd he think would do a crap-tastic show like that? Jake Gyllenhaal and Cameron D?

PRINCESS LEIA-MON

One of the many reasons I love Liz Lemon - she'll do anything to get out of jury duty.

DRAMA QUEEN

I want Tatiana back.

Even tough I voted for Danny.

Sidenote: Miss Tatiana would give Faye Dunaway a run for her money when it comes to over dramatic acting, dontcha think?

PLEASE HELP ME

Daddy is now without his day job.

I was let got from my job at MTV last Thursday due to tightening budgets and am about to be jobless in 2 weeks. Yikes.

In other news: I am trying to get chosen for a spot on Logo's Big Gay Sketch Show and to do that I have to enter their on-line contest. What qualifications do I have for becoming a cast member, you ask? Well:

1. I'm funny.
2. I'm a comedic actor (with training, bitch!) so I'll be able to pull off a sketch.
3. I am a dialects king and can impersonate almost anyone.
4. I also am a comedy writer.

That being said, I still need your votes. And I need them DAILY.

Thanks in advance and hopefully you'll get to see the fruits of your labor up on your television screens.

YES, I AM

Is it me or was LOST a bit too much last night? The amount of information thrown at me was dense and required a chalk board, dontcha think?

If you didn't watch it stop reading now... SO going back in time can be done by an individual (Richard) and others do it as a group, but only if they're close to each other?(!) And how did Locke go back to another time - when the African drug dealers crashed their Boone-killing drug plane, but Sawyer and his small group did not? And is the woman from London (Mrs. Hawkings) Daniel Faraday's mother? Is Sun gonna get even with Kate as well as Ben? Who the hell can shoot that many flaming arrows at the same time? Was the cast of The 300 in Hawaii the day they filmed??

I think my brain just made a popping noise...

PUMPED

This is my favorite magazine cover of '09. It's my man-crush Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords after a good workout.

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 10 (Top)

LEARN IT

Put on your pumps and unitard and get to the set...

"Beyonce, that was bee-rilliant."

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 63 (I Have A Dream)

AND THEN SHE RISES

I loves it when David Alan Grier plays Maya Angelou. Last night on the Chocolate News, Maya is being interviewed in her garden and when asked what she will say if she's asked to speak at the inauguration of Barrack Obama, she stands and recites the following:

"Mister Obama,
Like a fresh breeze, you have risen above the painful experiential sense-memory of the past.
You have a mega mulatto choke-hold on the American Dream
Uplifting every imaginable race, creed, cult, culture, ETH-NI-CI-TY, and religion that comprise the brilliant tapestry of this hallowed union.
The rabbi, the priest, the minister, the imam,
the crack-head, the hustler, the buxom blonde, the bubble-butt brown beauty,
all those who walk into a bar, where everyone knows your name, applaud your virtuous victory.
I christen you Hosanna, Obama.
Brown-bama, dark angle, black knight
I pronounce you prince, king, pharaoh.
Obama, as your spiritual mama, I bid you good morning, good afternoon, good evening,
and sweet dreams - Happy birthday Mr. President.
Freedom!

(and then they release the doves)"

She then sits.

When asked if she's written a poem for John McCain on his inauguration she stands and recites the following:

"President elect John McCain,
Aint this a bitch?

(and then they release the doves)"

Watch it after the jump.

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 95 (Interstate)