Narcissism 101

OPEN LETTER #14

Dear Maine,

You might wanna move. After all, this country's moral center is going in the shitter, isn't it? I was gonna suggest that you become part of Canada,  but then I remembered that marriage has been legal for gays in that morally reprehensible country for the past 4 years and you couldn't really handle that. I mean, all those heterosexual couples being threatened daily by gay couples must send shivers up your spine.

On the other hand it would get you out of an area that includes that heathen state of Massachusetts. My gosh - what if those married gays from Boston move to your state and threaten the "preservation of marriage" even more now just to spite you...? Talk about being put in a corner.

Maybe now that you've made your point, you can vote to take away rights to those who don't believe in Jesus like those pesky Jews. Talk about threatening! Doesn't that sound exciting??

I'm just thinking out loud. Do with that what you will.

Always,

Aaron Elvis James

OPEN LETTER #13

Dear Joe Wilson,

You can stop milking your ignorant outburst and shut the frak up now. No one cares.

So, again, what's the lesson we learned from all of this? That you need to be quiet and listen. You might learn something. Riiiiiiiiiiight?

Kisses,

Aaron Elvis James

P.S. How many fingers am I holding up?

PSSSSSSST!

Hey, Dick Cheney! No one really gives a shizz about anything you have to say. Methinks criticism and advice from you is kinda ridiculous at this point. I mean...how'd it all work out for you when you were in the White House?

You may wanna zip it.

Kisses,
Aaron Elvis James

OPEN LETTER #11

To All Those Whom It May Concern,

Please stop using "your" when you're trying to shorten "you are."

“You’re” is always a contraction of “you are.” If you’ve written “you’re,” try substituting “you are.” If it doesn’t work, the word you want is “your.”

Example: "You're the prettiest puppy in Harlem," rather than "Your the prettiest puppy in Harlem."

Just a pet peeve and since I have an open forum...well...you know.

Please make a note of it.

Respectfully,

Aaron Elvis James

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 38 (Years Old)

OPEN LETTER #10

Dear Sarah Palin,

It is with deepest regret that I must end our correspondence seeing as how you've got to go back to reality your home. My deepest sympathy for your loss - I'm sure it's a crushing blow. On a positive note, you can now go back home and take care of your special needs child instead of letting a nanny take care of her - you know, like everyone else who has a special needs child. But I digress.

Thank you for all you've done in this oh-so-close election. You not only given us many laughs, but you've also given us hope for this nation. You see, the majority has shown that they want change from the same selfish, close-minded, unintelligent, dishonest leadership that we've lived under for the past 8 years. Change is good.

Oh, and United/Alaska Airlines Flight 6523 leaves Phoenix International Airport at 6:25am and arrives at the Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport at 3:24pm. Unfortunately is has two stop-overs - one in Los Angeles (woo-hoo!) and Seattle (eh) - and we could only get you a seat in coach, but hey...it's better than Amtrak, right?

Take care,

Aaron Elvis James

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 75 (Match Game)

OPEN LETTER #9

Dear Sarah Palin,

I have the unfortunate duty to inform you that you have been deemed guilty of assholism. In other word, you're an asshole. In lipstick.

Did you seriously tell a whole bunch of families, who's sons and daughters were being deployed to Iraq, that they were going there to "defend the innocent from the enemies who planned and carried out and rejoiced in the death of thousands of Americans"? Seriously?? Lady, put down the shotgun and pick up a frickin' newspaper so that you can better educate yourself over why, exactly, we're in Iraq. Actually...perhaps you should hold onto that shotgun, go over to this so-called terrorist-filled Iraq and shoot you some Islamic extremists. Should be easy pickins for ya'...they're everywhere!

Looking forward to watching you on 20/20 tonight. Should be a laugh riot...

All my best,
Aaron E. James

OPEN LETTER #8

Dear Sarah Palin,

Thank you for your uplifting, positive speech you gave us, the American people, last night. I also love how you got the entire convention center to "boo" at them two-faced Democrats. Attagirl! Plus, you looked amazing in that warm, gray coat/dress - it really brought out your glasses.

Here are some of my favorite zingers quotes from you last night:

"I guess a small town mayor is sort of like a community organizer - except that you have actual responsibilities." Yes. Responsibility to 7,000 rather than hundreds of thousands. 'Tis better to fight for a new stop sign at the Main Street hub than fight for human rights, I always say.

"This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word victory except when he's talking about his own campaign." Because we've been SO victorious in both Iraq and Afghanistan fighting them terrorists and bringing peace and freedom to those who haven't asked for it. Kudos, us!

"But when cloud of rhetoric is passed, when the roar of the crowd fades away, when the stadium lights go out and those styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot..." Them pesky Roman  Greek columns that make up most of Washington, D.C. needs t' go! Oh, and the rest of that set that, I guess, was supposed to resemble some kind of office... A Greek god's office, maybe!

Okay, I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and pretend I'm not offended by your crappy self-serving speech. Those "Greek columns" were there to emulate the White House and the Oval Office - the blue carpeting with the stars should have been a tip-off. Hopefully you'll never be able to see the real thing. That would make me happy.

Oh, and by the way, lipstick is not the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom. It's untethered aggressiveness.  And, Sarah Palin, you're nothing more than an aggressive-acting hockey mom. Sorry.

All my best,

Aaron E. James

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 137

OPEN LETTER #7

Dear Joshua,

So sorry to hear that you were thrown out of evicted from the Big Brother house last night. Your final speech brought a tear to my eye due to it's deep message: be true to yourself. Yes, making people feel bad about themselves and pretending to be butch is totally the way one should live their life - truthfully, right?

In fact...I think I'm doing it right now, dude.

Take care,

Aaron James

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 292

OPEN LETTER #6

Dear Joshua,

I just watched a video of you talking to Adam and Ryan about the gays/your own homosexuality/your doing bumps with your friends in bathroom stalls and I must say I am VERY impressed and would love to meet you.

First off, you're a fashion icon. You know the first day of linen season!!! Nobody knows that and I'm so glad you set the record straight - Easter through Labor Day is the ONLY time you should wear linen. And wearing it with an Old Navy t-shirt totally completes the look. And you're right, guys who wear girls clothes definitely give gays a bad name. They should be completely butch, like you. You're a "dude." Nelly guys shouldn't act like themselves, they should try to fit in and act fake...or like the person they should be in society.

Second, good for you for not holding your boyfriend's hand in public. That's just gross -- at least that's what heterosexual people tell me. I mean, I'd rather punch my boyfriend in the face than show I care for him. What would people think?? Only straight couples should show PDAs.

In closing I'd like to say that it's so nice to see a proud, self-loving gay man on television who isn't a bitchy queen who doesn't read people...just has no time for all the drama. And the hot body aint hard on the eyes either...

All the best,

Aaron James

P.S. Doing bumps off collar-stays is a good way to do your stuff, but you should switch to pen caps. Just scoop up yo' magic powder with the long end of the plastic cap. That way you can keep your shirt neat and still look stiff while hanging out with your friends.

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 301

OPEN LETTER #5

Dear Britney, Paris and Lindsay,

Does it really chafe your pudendas that much to wear panties?  You know you can't but Cheetos and cigarettes without having someone there taking your picture, so what makes you think they won't get a shot of your freshly shaved cooter while you're getting out of your car??  And is it a coincidence that the three of you freeballers (can I call what you do "freeballing"?) hang in the same circle?  Is this your way of winking at the world? A simple eye wink with from a wonky eye would suffice.

Please try...TRY-Y-Y-Y to be tasteful.  It's not gonna be pretty when the photographers stop hounding you, I can assure you (see: Tara Reed), so the least you can do until then is retain what's left of your dignity.

Kisses,

Aaron Elvis James

DAYS LEFT IN OFFICE: 782