MY PAST ENTRIES
12/25/06
I've had Charo's fruitcake and it was too spicy.
12/8/06
Anyhoo I'm back and I'm gonna start "blogging" weekly about my adventures as a retired showgirl living it up in Vegas. My stories will be about both the past and the present and are not for the faint of heart. By that I mean I can get a bit graphic when talking about pee-pees and vah-jay-jays (I use those instead of the usual huge, throbbing rods and hot, moist pussies).
Speaking of hot, moist pussies how 'bout all those young celebrity snatches that have been on display recently? And why is it that all of them are shaved?? I think a Molly should be kept neat and trimmed like a topiary garden. Whenever I see a shaved pudenda I can't help but feel like I'm looking at girl getting her diaper changed, not that I've ever had to do that -- I'm as barren as the Sahara, so no babies for me. But I digress.
My advice for those Hiltons and Spearssses and Low Hands (or whatever her last name is) is to either buy yourselves some clean white tillies or bejewel them. Nothing says class like big, sparkling plastic gems glued to your nethers. It's true.
Well, that's all for today. I promise to be back next week (I've a fun-filled weekend planned so no writing for couple days)
Bye bye, now.
9/5/06
Just a couple of my old friends whoopin' it up on The Love Boat. They had asked me to fly out to Los Angeles to be an extra but I thought, "Fuck that." Who wants to sit around pretending to smile while Miller shakes her head while she taps lookin' like somebody with Parkinsons?
8/25/06
Well, my hip is as good as new! How do I know? Guess...
That's right, Ms. Wellington is back up on the proverbial "horse", as it were, and having a ball (pun intended). In fact I just had a good time last night with my new friends Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong. The three of us had a lovely evening drinking and carrying on. We went to a few bars (my choice, not theirs), went dancing, went back to their hotel room. I even let that Lance ride me harder than he rode that bike in the Tour De France. At one point he had me legs behind my... Well, you get the picture. He gave me some type of yellow rubber band after we were finished; said it was for some charity or something like that. Whatever.
Strangely Matthew didn't want to join in. He just kinda sat in a chair opposite the bed and played with himself (don't know if it was "to term" or not.) I had the strangest feeling he was watching Lance more than me, though. It could have been the way he said "Hey, Wellington...move so that I can see Lance's balls" that tipped me off. I could be wrong, though.
Afterwards, the two gents walked me back to the bar they met me at so that I could have my bedtime drink. I think they even jogged home. What energy those boys have!!
Anyhoo, look out world! Carlotta's back!!
8/10/06
Does anybody know where I can get a copy of Cher's special from 1978? The show was called "Cher...Special" and it had her doing a West Side Story medley where she played all the characters (you know Maria, Tony, Anita, Lupe, etc.) in split screen. Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart were guests on it as well. I'd really like to watch that again because I think she's wearing a pair of earrings she stole from me back then and I just wanna make sure before I call the bitch up. It's always good to have proof before you go for the jugular.
If you have it on DVD or VHS or Beta (which would be best) please let me know.
8/4/06
I realize I haven't written in a few weeks and that's because I've been in the hospital getting my hip replaced. I guess years of dancing and having it stretched in ways only silly putty can will cause the break-down of one of my most precious assets...
I went into the hospital the day after I had come back from Red Buttons' funeral in Los Angeles (the funeral was lovely by the way; saw many people I hadn't in years and it was great catchin' up). Anyhoo, I got home and, naturally, went out to get myself a drink or twelve. So I'm sitting there at The Double Down Saloon, minding my own business, talking to the new bartender when this handsome fella walks over to me and asks if I had change for a five. I then grab the pile of singles I've been accruing for the bartender's tip and make some change for him. Apparently he wants to play a couple songs in the jukebox, blah, blah blah... I wasn't really listening. I was actually staring at his huge blue eyes which reminded me of...um...oh I forget who who. Doesn't really matter. ANYHOO, it become blatantly obvious to me that he is trying to pick me up, so I start flirting back and when the time is right (normally after a fella buys me my fourth drink) I ask him where he's stayin'. He tells me Circus Circus and, as disappointed as I am to have to go to that crap-hole, I tell him I'd love to see his room. So we head over there and get to doing what we were both wanting to: knock boots (I know the lingo you kids are using today, lemme tell you) Unfortunately what this guy DOESN'T tell me is that he's one of the acrobats who does free shows in the lobby of that same crappy hotel and proceeds to bend me more ways than a pretzel. Now I'm an older gal and I'm not as limber as I used to be, so while in the throes of passion I hear this popping sound. At first I thought it was my hymen. Joking. I knew immediately what it was because this happened a few times before.
Long story short, he ends up dropping me off at the emergency room at The Desert Springs Hospital and I end up staying there for 3 weeks (I got out this morning). One thing I can tell you: I hate being dry for that long because my tolerance gets low. That means I'm gonna have to go easy on the Sark.
7/14/06
Here we go again. Yet another friend died this week: Red Buttons. I cannot begin to tell you how much I loved this man. Not in a let's-get-hitched kinda way, more like the brother-sister type of love. Well, brother and sister who have sex often. Sounds like I'm from a trailer park when I put it like that... Anyhoo.
The first time I met Red was in a hotel room in 1950-something. Me and a couple of the girls from the show were invited to what was called a "Red Party". None of knew why it was called that, but we were getting paid by the show's producers to be there so why question it, I thought. When we got to the room (it was the Presidential Suite at The Flamingo) there were a whole bunch of comedians and performers I recognized. There was Redd Foxx, Red Skelton, Red Burns, Chief Elmo Red Fox, Malcolm X, and this cute guy with flaming red hair named Red Buttons. Needless to say I pushed right past Malcolm (not that I didn't appreciate his incredible body of work) and headed straight for Mr. Buttons. I introduced myself, told him I was a fan and he insisted I call him by his given name: Aaron. I, naturally, insisted he call me by my given name: Carlotta. We hit it off quickly and within minutes hours we were doing the vertical tango right next to Lucille Ball and Lorne Greene (who was apparently at the wrong party) on one of the three Presidential king-sized beds. And just in case you're wondering, the carpet DOES match the drapes. On Red/Aaron, not Lucy. That bitch.
We became fast friends after that and the rest is history... I'm even the godmother to his daughter Amy. Poor kid.
Goodnight, Aaron. I'll miss ya' honey.
7/13/06
Apparently there was a tropical storm named after me and it's NOT going to become a hurricane which upsets me since I'm so good at blowing.
6/20/06
I've decided to take a little vacation to Los Angeles next week to visit my nephew who lives in the Hollywood Hills. His name is Mark and he's gay. Apparently he just celebrated what he called "Pride" and tells me it was a whole lotta fun... There was a parade through West Hollywood and a huge street festival and more parties than you could shake a stick at (pardon the pun).
I truly wish there were celebrations like that back when I was hanging out with my gay pals in the 50's and 60's. If there was, then a large number of them could have celebrated their sexuality openly rather than hiding in dark places and having secret handjobs handshakes or whatever. Men like Rock Hudson, George Nader, Montgomery Clift, Tab Hunter, Roddy McDowell, Paul Lynde, and Snagglepuss could have gone to film premieres with hot men on their arms or had all-male pool parties where they didn't have worry about being "exposed" by a snitch disguised as a guest. They would no longer have to go dinner in groups of 3 or 5 (two men together was considered a date and four men together was seen as a double date while ten or more men was an orgy which I particiapted in many a time). In their day they had to date and marry women to keep up the fascade, had to have children, had to pay off or sue those who were about to blow their cover. You know, all the things that Tom Cruise has been doing so far.
I guess my point that I'm trying to make is that you gays these days have a lot to be proud of and although you're going through a backlash from that jackass in the White House and his fuck-wit cronies, you have still come a long way and will undoubtedly continue to make great strides toward equality. I have a lot of confidence in you sissy-marys.
Trust me, you've made Rock and Paul smile down from heaven. And Paul Lynde was a cranky sonofabitch so that's pretty goddamn impressive...
6/13/06
I've got a bone to pick with that Celine Dion and her husband Renee AngelLady (or whatever his name is). See, I was walking into the Pic-N-Save Big Lots over on E. Sahara Avenue at around 5pm yesterday because I was outta Pall Malls and I had coupon for "buy-5-cartons-get-the-sixth-free." So there I was, minding my own business, walking through the nearly empty parking lot when this big white Chrysler Le Baron (or whatever the new car is from that crappy manufacturer) comes screeching through the parking lot and nearly runs me down! Well I was so upset and scared outta my wits that I nearly pissed myself and could all but see Elvis waiting for me at The Pearly Gates wearin' a white diamond-crusted jumpsuit. Well me being myself, I marched right over to the car which was now parked one of the handicapped spots and could see some little boy staring at me out of the back window, and would you know it...the little bastard flips me off. So I continue my march to the passenger window and who should be sitting there but Miss Celine Dion herself. Not really giving a crap, I banged on the window to tell her that she and her driver nearly killed me and she jumped like she has just seen a ghost. I thought: Good! I hope you just pissed in your Juicy Cooter sweatsuit too, lady! She composed herself as best she could and rolled down the window. I tell her that her driver nearly killed me and that her son just flipped me off and she starts crying. CRYING!! Then she starts saying something in French or something and mumbling so I say, "Fuck this," and go off into the store to find the jackass who was driving. As soon as I get through the sliding doors I see Celine's husband Renee buying something at the check-out. I scream out, "Hey! Mr. Dion! Why don't you watch where you're driving you motherfucker!" That jack-off had the nerve to smile, grab his change and his purchase, and walk calmly up to me to explain that his wife has "ze runs" and needed Imodium so that she can get through 2 shows the following day. I said to him, " Let me get this straight: I was nearly killed because Celine Dion has diarrhea?"
Long story short, I'm going to see Celine's show at Caesar's Palace tonight with my gal-pal Belle. I hope we have good seats.
6/5/06
Today I'm a bit down in the dumps. Why, you ask? Well for a few reasons...
First, my good friend Ava Gardner, who died 6 years ago, is the subject of a new book which comes out today. I thought that I'd be happy to see her life celebrated like this but it just opens up a lot of sadness for a friend whom I loved and adored. Plus, the author didn't use any of the stories I had given him when he was doin' research for the damn thing. I guess they were just too raw for the story he wants told...
Second, I miss New York City. It's only been a few hours since I got back to the retirement community from my power trip and I want to go back. Lemme tell you I had such a wonderful time with a whole bunch of new friends and a few old ones (yes Lavinia, I'm talkin' about you!) that I'm payin' the price today. Big time. You see, Lavinia had coaxed me to go back to NYC with her this past Thursday and we went on a whirlwind of parties and places. She actually dragged me out to Fire Island (which I haven't been to since the 70's with Charles Nelson Reilly) and we went to some bar called Sunsets, but it was pouring down rain so only a handful of people were there (one of which was a very forward lesbian named Jenn or Glenn or something). It rained again the next day and I was bored so I ditched Miss Draper, jumped on a ferry and went to meet up with Daniel Nardico at a bar called Eastern Bloc for his Outlaw Party. What fun that place is! I met the cute-as-a-button DJ Tommy Hottpants, some crazy bitch named Bianca Del Rio (amazingly funny and has the mouth of a trucker), Matthew Phillips, *BoB* (finally!!) and these gorgeous bartenders who kept the Cutty coming. I dunno if it was the booze or those 2 ecstasy pills somebody coaxed me to do but I'm real melancholy today.
Lastly, today's heat is a sign that I gotta go out and buy some maxi-pads to put under my boobs so that I can soak up the sweat. I hate when I have to do that. Why does it have to be 106 degrees this early in the summer? Maybe I'll have a few blended drinks to cool me off.
6/1/06
This is one of my favorite gal-pals. Her name is Lavinia Draper and she and I have been friend for a very long time. She here in Las Vegas to pick up the remainder of her belongings from one of her ex-husbands. Don't ask me what his name is because I keep seeing him at the Atomic Liquor Store on Fremont and keep calling him "mister' or "you".
Well tomorrow is Lavinia's birthday and she and I will be spending it doing what we do best: turning the town on it's rear! We started last night when we stopped by The Cheetah which is a strip club that they used for the movie Showgirls. Miss D. went through at least 2 bottles of Mr. Boston Vodka and I polished off my usual amount of Cutty Sark and tipped the girls with a buch of cash she had stolen from her ex's floor safe. You'd think he would've changed the combination by now...
Anyhoo, we had a great time and are gonna have even more fun until she leaves on Sunday. Hopefully she won't break me. That lady can drink me under the table. She's good, kids. REAL good.
6/1/06
Wow! This is pretty neat. My friend put a clip of me talking to Daniel Nardico on his radio show two weeks ago. Find out what I sounded like on D-List Radio by clicking here .
5/30/06
Well, my Memorial Day was definitely memorable, lemme tell you. I had the great pleasure of spending it at a funeral. In CLEVELAND, no less.
My sister's husband, Lester, died last week of...oh, gosh...I forgot. It was cancer or shingles or somethin' like that. Anyhoo, my sister Coca called me and told me the grim news so I, being the lovely woman I am, flew out to Ohio to be with her even though we're not real close any more. You see, as soon as she nabbed that super-rich husband of hers she forgot she had 2 sisters. Yessiree, me and our oldest sister Candice were dropped quicker than a uterus from a washed-up whore after fleet week. But I'm a bigger person and go when my family needs me. So I packed up a bottle 2 liter of Cutty Sark, an extra carton of Pall Mall cigarettes (I usually only travel with one carton) and my favorite black funeral pant suit and went to be by her side. Unfortunately she has a whole slew of rich bitch snooty friends and I pretty much sat by myself makin' up stories about Lester (I didn't know him -- I had to talk about somethin'!). Apparently Coca didn't care for the one I told about Lester getting his scrotum caught in his zipper while he was visiting the royal family at Buckingham Palace. No sense of humor, I tell ya...
At least the weather was lovely.
5/23/06
Well this past weekend certainly was a scorcher! Not only was it over 100 degress every day (not to mention every night...), but 2 of my friends came to visit and we burned up the strip like no one else.
First, my oldest and dearest friend Mamie Van Doren came in on Friday to meet up with her old "friend" Jerry Van Dyke and the three of us went out and got bombed!! We hit a couple of new fangled clubs that have opened up (Jet, Ghostbar, and Tao) which I really didn't enjoy too much; they were filled with alotta poorly dressed drunk kids who have the nerve to mix Hennessy with soda or juice. What happened to "on-the-rocks" or "neat"? But I digress. Anyhoo...after hittin' all those slick glossy places, I insisted we go to something completely different which was the Double Down Saloon. We threw back a shot or 10 and Mamie strted dancing on the bar and wouldn't you know it, she pulled me up there with her! People were throwing money at us like you wouldn't believe. Unfortunately one of the nickels hit Mamie in the eye and the fun suddenly stopped. Well, Jerry apologized profusely for having such horrible aim and the two of them left me alone to go "make up" over at his suite at the Flamingo.Taking that as my cue, I saddled up to the bar and finished my evening with my old friend Cutty Sark.
Here is an old picture of Mamie from the 60's when she headlined a show here in Vegas:
This is her now:
Nature has REEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLYYY been good to her, I'd say.
Unfortunately nature has not been so kind to my other friend Ruth Buzzi who I wafted around with Saturday night. Ruth, I hate to admit, is not a real looker like Mammarie Mamie. She was in town for some Sid & Marty Krofft Convention and had flown in with Jim Nabors. I guess they were both on some show called The Lost Saucer in the 70's which is probably why I don't remember it. I don't remember much from the 70's... Anywhoo, she and I went drinkin' (without that Nabors fella) and I didn't get home until noon on Sunday. Ironically, we were drinkin' at The Coyote Ugly Saloon. Poor Ruthie.
5/19/06
This is my old friend Joanne Worley. She and I have much history between us and story upon story to let you kids hear, but we'll save that for a later time. I'm late for my mid-morning Cutty Sark.
5/19/06
Is this thing on? I haven't got the goddamnest idea what the hell I'm doing here so bear with an older lady who's new to this computer crap. Alright?
